Congratulations, valued future employee, on your decision to interview for a position of [REDACTED] at Kvark! We commend you on your impeccable decision-making skills, which will reflect positively on your overall assessment. While you wait for your complimentary lunch of dill cream sauce, dumplings, and exactly 110 grams of what is most assuredly a beef sirloin steak, we have prepared a short presentation for you on what you can expect from working at our facility… apart from the sense of pride and accomplishment that you are helping to secure the nation and advance the humankind!
Here at Kvark, we take security very seriously. Our mining, production, and research facilities are guarded 24/7 by highly trained security personnel with access to a wide array of weapons tools to help them deal with any unexpected situations, ranging from riots incited by imperialist infiltrators to [REDACTED]. Rest assured that we take every precaution possible to make sure that these dangerous, double-barreled and even explosive weapons tools do not end up in your wrong hands.
Workplace safety is our utmost priority and we are proud to inform you that it has been [REDACTED] number of days since the last incident of a workplace injury at our facilities. We do our best to contain all dangerous elements we use in our research, including radioactive isotopes. Do your part in helping us keep your place of work safe and report any suspicious substances you find to your overseer. Do NOT attempt to handle them yourself as contact with such substances can have unforeseen consequences for your body.
Be prepared to deal with unexpected situations in your place of work. You may be ordered asked on a short notice to take over a job position for a currently unavailable colleague, which might not, due to possible personnel shortages, exactly fit your qualifications. Should such occasion arise, keep calm and ask yourself: What would comrade overseer do? Just remember to always stay in your designated work area. Employees found exploring wandering outside of their work area will be [REDACTED] under the suspicion of espionage.
We care for the well-being of our employees! Interiors of our facilities were designed to provide necessary sensory stimuli and every work area has been outfitted with machines where you may receive purchase refreshments. Employees are allotted [REDACTED] minutes of break time per day, which they may spend as they see fit. While smoking is not prohibited within our facility, we kindly ask you do so in smoking-designated areas. Keep in mind that smoke breaks will be deducted from your allotted break time.
Afraid of the radiation? You do not have to be! Our large underground facility has been constructed with great care to provide as much shielding and protection as possible, while also keeping the construction costs risks of any radiation leaks and containment breaches to the absolute minimum. You will be pleased to hear that the probability of one such breach event happening is less than [REDACTED] percent at any given time!
Addendum:
IncaseofanemployeedeathKvarkdoesn’tbearanyresponsibilitytowardstherelatives.
That will be all for the presentation, thank you for your attention and patience. Please do enjoy your complimentary lunch, we will see you very soon at the interview!
Kvark – For the secure nation, for the bright future!
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